Confused
by mcflyPARtYGiRL
Summary: A Friday night leaves Tony wondering.
1. Chapter 1

It had started with a drink. Nothing more than two colleagues taking it easy on a Friday night after a long, hard week. It seemed simple enough, right? So it was when, after more than enough beers to have both men laughing at the smallest of things, they were entitled to do something stupid. In that case Gibbs had leaned over Tony to get another beer and Tony had playfully slapped him on the arse. They had both laughed when Gibbs made the comment of Tony been a dominator. Then suddenly Tony was sliding from the couch to his knees, licking his lips. There was Gibbs watching Tony and through all of his drunkenness he knew what was going to happen then with another swig of his beer he washed away those thoughts and let Tony go.

Monday morning rolled around and Gibbs walked into the bullpen, coffee in hand. He sat at his desk and sipped his coffee before looking around.

"Morning," Ziva smiled as she walked into the bullpen.

"Morning," Gibbs replied. McGee was next to arrive, cheerily greeting everyone. After some time Ziva had walked to his desk and asked why he was so happy. The simple answer was "I met someone,". With that Ziva had left him alone and went to check her emails. Not long after Tony walked in making sure he didn't make eye contact with Gibbs but when he looked up from his desk their eyes met and Tony quickly dropped his head and made it look like he was busy as he felt himself go red. The day passed quietly and to Tony's fear it seemed to drag on. Sure, he'd had the whole weekend to get over what he did but he thought of it as having the whole weekend to contemplate his feelings, his sexuality. Surely just this one occasion didn't mean that he was gay, did it? No, he told himself, it was just a stupid mistake that was never going to happen. When he left work tonight he would get on that internet dating site he'd been looking at and meet some nice girl who he might have a chance with and that would put an end to that.

When Gibbs said they could go home, at five, because it was so quiet Tony almost ran to the elevator but held himself back.

"You were awfully quiet today," Ziva commented as she and McGee got into the elevator with Tony. "Sick?"

"Yeah, haven't felt well all weekend," Tony replied. What he had said was the truth, he hadn't felt well mostly because he'd been thinking about it way to much. He'd practically made himself sick with fear because he was unsure of what Friday night had actually meant. He sighed at his own feelings, he knew he was straight, but something deep inside of him was pulling on his emotions, telling him maybe he needed to rethink his whole life.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony lay awake in his bed with too many questions darting through his head at a million miles an hour. He had gotten home and taken a long, hot shower, as if trying to wash away any feeling he had for Friday night. He tried watching a movie but it was an attempt to take his mind off of things, and it had failed so he ended up going to bed. Falling asleep was the easy part. The hard part came when he was sleeping and he began dreaming, and it was quiet literally hard.

_"You are such a dominator," Gibbs laughed as he threw the cap of the beer onto the coffee table and watched it slide off the other end. There was silence for a moment then Tony was slipping from the couch onto the floor. He crawled between Gibbs' legs and looked up into those piercing blue eyes. Gibbs bought the bottle to his mouth and took another swig before setting it on the coffee table. Tony licked his lips just as Gibbs trailed his fingertips along his cheek. Tony turned and caught Gibbs' fingers in his mouth, sucking them softly. After a few moments he sat back on his heels._

_"Sorry," he said though his expression gave him away and he couldn't help but run his hand up and down Gibbs' thighs._

"Well..." Gibbs started but before he could finish Tony had launched up and captured his mouth in a fervent kiss. His hand quickly trailed down to the top of Gibbs' trousers hovering for a moment before unzipping them and pulling them away. In the back of his mind he could hear a voice screaming for him to stop, telling him this was wrong, a mistake, but he kept going and soon he was removing Gibbs' shirt and throwing it away carelessly, knocking over the beer on the coffee table. As liquid spilled from the bottle onto the table and dripped to the floor, Tony was licking and biting his way down Gibbs' body. Gibbs' let out a moan and Tony looked up, as if it were a sound he had never heard before, although it wasn't, at least not a sound he'd heard from this man, any man. Before he went any further he discarded his clothes. Both men now fully naked and fully aroused were briefly looking into each others eyes, not sure what they were going to find and not really caring. Tony let a smirk appear on his face before he dipped his head and heard Gibbs let out a low moan.

At this point Tony had woken, tangled in the sheets, sweating and panting. He sat up and looked around, thinking maybe it was happening then realised it was just a dream. He let out a groan and slipped his hand under the sheets, trailing his fingers along his hard member.

I was drunk! That is not what happened! He told himself but as he dwelled upon it he knew that it was what happened and that the dream was just another reminder that he had fucked his boss, that he had fucked a man.

He moved his hand faster, feeling his climax approaching and came with Gibbs' name rolling from his tongue as he reach his release. He lay there, his eyes shut tight as he realised what he had just done. Disgusted with himself he got up and went into the bathroom, running a shower.

"No!" he hissed and slammed his fist against the tiles. "This is wrong!" He wouldn't let himself do this, become like this. He stayed in the shower for twenty minutes, washing and rewashing himself, as if somehow he might be able to rid himself of these feelings. When he stepped from the shower and got dressed he checked the time. 3.00am. He slipped back into bed and lay there, looking up at the ceiling. Why had he done it in the first place? Why did he dream about it? Why was he feeling like he was? He realised that the only person who could answer these questions was the one person Tony didn't want to face. Gibbs.


	3. Chapter 3

When Tony woke again it was to his alarm, not a dream. He staggered to the bathroom and took another shower to wake up. He savoured each moment he had at home because he would dread every moment at work. He wanted to take as much time as he could afford getting to work but everything he did seemed to go double paced. Finally he arrived at work and stepped into the elevator. He stepped out of the elevator to see Ziva and McGee at their desks, no sign of Gibbs. He let out a relieved breath and walked to his desk. He said his good mornings to Ziva and McGee and checked his emails. Half an hour passed before he saw Gibbs and when he did he was quick to look away from his gaze. Again it was another quiet day, another day for Tony to contemplate his feelings. By lunch time Tony was quick to offer getting lunch. He fled to the elevator and found comfort in walking by himself to the cafe on the corner a few blocks down.

"Are you trying to avoid me?" Gibbs' voice made him jump. He turned around to see Gibbs' following him.

"What? No," Tony said quickly and kept walking, thinking maybe, just maybe, Gibbs would turn around and go back, but he didn't. He sped up and walked by Tony's side.

"We need to talk," Gibbs said. Tony nodded and kept walking, looking at the pavement ahead of him and nowhere else. He heard Gibbs let out a small sigh and out of the corner of his eye saw him stop walking. Tony swallowed, at least he was alone now. Though there was something inside of him that was screaming for him to turn around and go back to Gibbs, but he didn't. It took fifteen minutes to get the lunches and walk back. As he walked into the elevator he was unaware that Gibbs had been waiting for him and had slipped into the elevator when he was awkwardly trying to press the button.

"Shit!" Tony cursed as he turned around and was faced with Gibbs. Gibbs reached across and flicked the elevator off.

"We talk," Gibbs said.

"I have an armful of lunches, can we do it later?" Tony asked as his heart beginning to beat faster, his palms becoming sweaty.

"No...Tony, we need to sort this out...You have been avoiding me as much as you can," Gibbs stated. "Will you just tell me what's wrong so it can get sorted," Tony knew that what Gibbs was saying was the truth. He placed the lunches on the floor and straightened back up.

"You want to know what's wrong?" Tony asked. "Here's what's wrong...Last Friday night I was having a few drinks with my boss...And we got pissed..." His voice was starting to get louder. "And then...I fucked him!"

"Tony..." Gibbs said, seeing that Tony was angry.

"No! I fucked you Gibbs! I fucked you! What the hell does that say about me? I am sure as hell not gay!" Tony screamed.

"I never said you were but..." Gibbs tried to reason with Tony.

"No buts! It was nothing! In fact, it never happened! Yeah, that sounds good, it never happened!" Tony spat and kept rambling.

"Alright!" Gibbs yelled. Tony stopped and looked at him. Gibbs stepped closer to Tony who stepped back each time and ended up pressed against the wall. "Just tell me one thing,"

"What?" Tony whispered, feeling intimidated by the closeness of Gibbs. Gibbs didn't say anything, just kept moving closer until Tony could feel his breath tickle his lips. It was silent but Tony thought that his heart beat would fill the void because it was beating so hard. Then without warning and time to move away Gibbs was crashing his lips down upon his and pressing their bodies together. Tony tensed for a moment before moving into the kiss. Then as if been hit he pulled away and moved to the other side of the elevator.

"I said I wasn't gay!" Tony fumed and flicked the elevator back on before gathering the lunches. He stepped from the elevator and handed out the lunches, practically throwing Gibbs' lunch at him. Tony sat at his desk wanting to get up and scream at Gibbs for what he had done but made himself sit there. Tony peered up to see if Gibbs was watching him but he wasn't. Tony found himself constantly looking up to see if he were been watched by Gibbs but the only thing Gibbs was looking at was either the paper or the computer screen.

_No. Don't look at him. You hate him right now._ Tony told himself. The rest of the day passed by with nothing happening. Tony had been praying for a case to fly their way but it hadn't happened and he was annoyed that he had to sit there, the whole time knowing Gibbs was just a few feet away. He relished the moment when he had left the building and gotten into his car, only to realise he'd left his wallet in the draw. Groaning his made his way back up to his desk. Just as he was retrieving his wallet Gibbs walked into the squad room. Tony closed the draw and went to leave as fast as he could until he was stopped when his jacket caught on something. He looked down to see he had jammed it in the draw. He reopened the draw and removed the corner of his jacket before feeling to the elevator, knowing the whole time Gibbs had watched him.


	4. Chapter 4

Tony walked through the door of his apartment and threw his jacket onto the back of the couch. He started to get undressed, dropping his clothes where he walked, finally ending at the bathroom. He ran the water until the steam fogged up the mirror. He stepped under the water and felt himself slowly fall apart. Everything that had happened today hit him with a brutal force. He let out a shaky breath, trying to keep himself together. He tried telling himself that he would be fine but his heart was telling him something different. He didn't care anymore, he was alone so he wouldn't have to worry about letting his emotions show. He pressed his back against the wall and slid down as he started to cry. He had been trying to keep his emotions hidden so he wouldn't have to think about his sexuality, what Gibbs had done to his heart. He thought he heard something but dismissed it and wrapped his arms around his legs as he let hot tears stream down his face. He wasn't sure how long he'd been on the floor of the shower. He'd closed his eyes to try and hold back his tears so he didn't see when someone stepped into the bathroom. Suddenly he felt a cool breeze and then the water was turned off. He opened his eyes and looked up to see Gibbs standing there. Without saying anything Gibbs helped Tony out of the shower and wrapped him in a towel. He pulled Tony towards him wrapping his arms around him. Tony rested his head on Gibbs' shoulder then realised what he was doing.

"No!" Tony said and pulled away.

"I came around to apologise," Gibbs said as he watched Tony back himself into the corner. "I know that you don't want to think about what happened the other night, so I won't make you...All I want to say is that I'm sorry I've made you feel they way you do," with that he turned and walked from the bathroom. Tony stared at the spot where Gibbs had been, unsure what to do at this point.

"Gibbs..." he whispered. As he heard the door of the apartment open he quickly stepped out of the bathroom. He ran to the door and threw it open. "Wait!" Gibbs turned around and looked at Tony, a towel wrapped around his waist, eyes red from crying, standing there. He didn't need Tony to say anything because it was all said through the expression on his face. He walked back into the apartment and closed the door behind him.

"You should get dressed..." Gibbs suggested. Tony nodded and went into the bedroom. Gibbs sat on the couch, thinking about what he should say or do to Tony, to make him feel better. He was lost in his own thoughts and didn't realise Tony until he had sat next to him.

"I guess I overreacted," Tony said.

"No...You're just...unsure," Gibbs replied.

"I...You know...I don't have anything against gay people," Tony started. "I just didn't think it was right for me, you know...Like...I've always seen gay people as equals just..."

"Shhh..." Gibbs placed a finger to Tony's lips. He scooted closer to Tony and put his arm around his shoulders.

"I'm so confused," Tony whispered and curled into Gibbs chest. In the back of his mind he was telling himself that this was all wrong, that he shouldn't be here with Gibbs like this, that he wasn't gay, but he couldn't muster the energy to get angry, to tell Gibbs to get out. So he stayed there, curled into Gibbs' chest, and then, for the first time in such a long time, he let himself cry in front of someone else.


	5. Chapter 5

By now Tony had stopped crying and was been held tightly in Gibbs' warm embrace. He could smell the saw dust and coffee on Gibbs, almost tasted the coffee, and when he accidently brushed his hand over Gibbs' chest when he went to move he felt the toned muscles. He reminded himself that he wasn't gay, he wasn't attracted to men in anyway, he was a very straight man. He pulled away from Gibbs' embrace and stood up.

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" Tony asked, his voice rough after not having spoken for some time.

"I'm right thanks," Gibbs replied as he watched Tony walk into the kitchen, open the fridge and stare in. Within the space of a few minutes he had closed the fridge, opened the pantry and started in, then went back to the fridge, back to the pantry, back to the fridge and finished at the pantry again. Gibbs had watched him, knowing he was nervous and wanting to say something to calm him but what could he say that would make Tony feel any better when he was already completely confused about his life. Instead he got up and stood in the hallway, watching Tony intently.

"Oh, crap!" Tony jumped when he turned to see Gibbs watching him. "Sorry..."

"Don't be," Gibbs said. "You look tired...Maybe you should go to bed,"

"Ahh..." Tony though for a moment. "Yeah, I might,". He headed to the bedroom, aware that Gibbs was following him. He stopped just inside the door and took a deep breath before turning around. Gibbs looked him straight in the eye but Tony felt that he was looking straight into his soul, into his deepest feelings, digging up the dark truth.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Gibbs said then turned away.

"Gibbs..." Tony said as Gibbs reached the end of the hallway. "Can you stay for a while longer?" After he'd said the words he instantly regretted it. After all he told himself, that he wasn't gay, that he didn't like men, and here he was asking Gibbs to stay.

"Are you sure?" Gibbs asked. Tony nodded, he could hardly say no now. Gibbs walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. Tony stood there looking at Gibbs unsure of what to do next. Should he go and pull the sheets back, or maybe that would seem too inviting and Gibbs might get the wrong idea.

"So..." Tony mumbled, trying to think of something to say.

"Tony..." Gibbs started as he stood up and stepped towards him. He wanted to say so much more but just couldn't so instead he reached out and cupped Tony's face in his hands.

"Gibbs I..." Tony stopped himself. He was puzzled at just how quickly his feelings and emotions could change. Again he told himself that it was wrong but this time something else took over his mind, suddenly he was leaning forward and before he knew what he was doing he kissed Gibbs. When they pulled apart Tony had confusion written all over his face and Gibbs could see the pain of not knowing his own emotions in his eyes.

"I'll go home," Gibbs said. He didn't want to stay if it meant he was going to keep confusing Tony just by his presence.

"No," Tony said. Though he didn't like been confused he didn't want to be alone for another night.

"Yes, Tony...The longer I stay here the longer you will take to get yourself sorted out...And I can't stand seeing you so damn confused," Gibbs admitted.

"...But...If you stay we can talk about it," Tony pleaded.

"You need to think about this without me clouding your judgement and you know it," Gibbs said before leaning in and kissing Tony's cheek. "And don't bother coming to work tomorrow...You can have a sick day," then he was gone and Tony's heart was pounding in his chest. He sat on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands. He had tried to deny it for long enough and now as it rose from the deepest, most secret part of his soul he knew that once it came out he wouldn't be able to hide it.

_I think I love him..._ He curled onto his side and shut his eyes tight. Before long he felt himself falling asleep and he hoped he would come to his senses in the morning.


	6. Chapter 6

Tony slept through his alarm and when he woke and saw the time he jumped up in a panic then remembered Gibbs had told him not to go to work. He sighed and walked back into the bedroom, fallings face first on to the mattress. His wish of coming to his senses had long forgotten to come. He lay there motionless, letting himself feel the pain of what he was actually thinking. If he let anybody know about these feelings he would never be able to face them again. It would sever every relationship he had with his friends, he would have to quit work, everywhere he would go he would never be looked at the same and he couldn't even begin to imagine what it would do to his father. Even though their relationship wasn't strong they were working on it and he wanted to make his father proud, not ashamed of some lame arse son who was interested in men. So that settled it. He was going to try, no, he was definitely going to kill off these feelings and become the straight man he had been bought up to be. However, he knew that it was easier said than done. He needed to get his mind off of things and wandered out into the living room. He pulled out a handful of DVDs and slipped one into the player before settling on the couch. Half way through the movie he got up and grabbed the container of choc mint ice cream from the freezer. By the time the movie finished he'd eaten nearly all of the ice cream. He didn't feel well and groaned as he rolled onto his side.

Tony passed the time by watching movies and eating. Each time he over ate he would lie there and wonder why he did it. He hadn't looked at the time all day and only did so when there was a knock at the door. 6.00pm. He bit his lip knowing that it was Gibbs on the other side of his apartment door. He looked between the door and the hallway several times before making a decision. He quickly slipped into the bathroom, got undressed and ran the shower. If he was in the shower he couldn't hear anyone at the door and if he couldn't hear them he couldn't answer the door. If he didn't answer the door they would leave. Five minutes passed, ten minutes and finally fifteen minutes. He turned the water off and wrapped a towel around his waist . Just as he stepped from the bathroom he collided with someone. He stumbled back and looked up, gasping when he saw Gibbs.

"How did you get in?" Tony asked, his voice holding the traces of bitterness.

"I picked the lock..." Gibbs said as if it were a normal thing to do. "You didn't answer the door or your phone and I...I got worried,"

"Oh, well...I'm fine," Tony said, rubbing the back of his neck, and he couldn't remember the phone ringing, maybe it did. Gibbs noticed that Tony was getting restless and walked away. Tony closed his eyes and took a deep breath, going into the bedroom he got dressed. He walked over to the mirror in the corner of the room and started himself down. He assumed that Gibbs had left and was startled when he saw him in the mirror. He turned around and cleared his throat.

"Tony...I know how you feel...So I've..." Gibbs rubbed a hand over his face. Tony looked at him with a questioning look. "I've...Retired...You're taking over the team for good,"

"You what!" Tony all but yelled.

"I figured that you need the income more than me, plus, I'm ready to go," Gibbs said. "And my presence only confuses you, upsets you,"

"No...No you can't leave...I'm not ready to handle a team on my own...I can't do it..." Tony rushed.

"Yes you can," Gibbs said sincerely.

"No I can't...What if there is a really tough case that I can't solve...Who will be there to keep me in line?...What happens if I'm hurt?...Who will be there to slap me on the back of the head and tell me I can't die yet?..." Tony asked, tears glazing over his eyes.

"Tony..." Gibbs didn't know what to say. Yesterday he had seen Tony so confused and today it seemed that Tony had clearly made his decision about his feelings. He stepped closer to Tony and pulled him close. Tony wrapped his arms around Gibbs' neck and pulled him into a kiss. Gibbs gingerly kissed back until Tony forced his tongue into his mouth. Then Gibbs pushed Tony onto the bed as the kiss deepened. Tony's mind was blank until Gibbs' hand found their way under his shirt. He pulled away from the kiss and wriggled out from underneath Gibbs. Gibbs sat on the edge of the bed and watched Tony walk to the other side of the bedroom, curse under his breath then slam his fist against the wall. He stood and walked up behind Tony.

"I am not gay," Tony said firmly. "I am not gay," this time it was softer. "I am not..." his voice cracked and his eyes filled with tears again.

"Gees Tony," Gibbs said and pulled him close as the younger man sobbed into his chest.


	7. Chapter 7

His hands shook, his heart beat loud and fast in his chest, he was breathing in short, rapid breaths and no matter how much he tried to control himself he couldn't. Lying on his back he closed his eyes and felt warm hands travel up the sides of his naked body. He felt soft lips kiss his neck. He let out a soft moan as he was gently bitten, followed by a kiss as if to heal it. He pried his eyes open, only to see Gibbs watching him contently.

"You are so beautiful," Gibbs mumbled into his neck and moved his hand down his chest. Tony didn't know what to say but he could feel his cheeks colouring. He'd never heard those words the way Gibbs had spoken them. He gasped when Gibbs trailed his fingers along his thigh. He hadn't been expecting that.  
_I must have been expecting it you idiot!_ He thought._ I'm so turned on, this is very, very wrong. I need to stop_. Then Gibbs was running his hand along the inside of Tony's thigh and he grabbed his wrist and stopped him. He closed his eyes again, still holding Gibbs' wrist, and took a few deep breaths.

Tony couldn't remember when it started. Maybe it was when Tony had looked up all teary eyed and Gibbs had smiled and told him he was a complete mess. Or maybe it was after Tony had spilled every emotion and feeling he had just because Gibbs had wiped away his tears. Hell, it could have started when Gibbs just looked at him. There was one thing he knew, Gibbs was responsible for what Tony was feeling right now. He sat up and put his head in his hand.

"I can't do this," Tony whispered.

"It's ok..." Gibbs said, and it was. He wasn't going to force Tony to do anything he didn't want to do, it would be pointless. He rubbed a hand up and down Tony's back in comfort.

"No it's not, Gibbs...I can't be gay...I can't have sex with another man...I am Tony DiNozzo, I am a straight man," Tony said. "Honestly, who would still love me if I were?"

"I would," Gibbs said, causing Tony to jerk his head up and stare desperately into his eyes. "And I'm sure everyone else would to,"

"I don't want to be gay," Tony sighed. He was trying to deny what he knew was too true.

"It's up to you," Gibbs said before standing up and pulling on his clothes. Then he leaned forward and kissed Tony on the forehead and left. Tony sat there, closing his eyes and listening to Gibbs close the door of his apartment. He tried to swallow down the emotion that was rising in his chest but he was finding it extremely difficult. He got dressed and grabbed his car keys. Ready to face his fears but when he opened the door he collided with Gibbs, again.

"Forgot my jacket," Gibbs motioned to the back of the couch. Tony turned and grabbed the jacket. "Going somewhere?" Gibbs had noticed the keys in Tony's had.

"What? No...I mean yes...Well I was..." Tony replied, mentally kicking himself for been so nervous. "But you're back, so I'm not going anywhere,"

"Ok," Gibbs nodded and walked inside. He closed the door behind him and watched Tony nervously fiddle with the keys.


	8. Chapter 8

Tony woke to the smell of saw dust and coffee. He thought he was dreaming but when he rolled over he was met with those piercing blue eyes that stripped away his façade and saw who he really was. Already he was angry with himself and he hadn't even gotten out of bed.  
_God damn it! The first time in ages that I've had a morning hard on...And it has to be in bed with my boss!_ He cursed in his mind. He needed to figure out how to get out of bed without Gibbs finding out he was hard, because if he found out that would make everything ten times worse. He went to shift towards the edge of the bed when Gibbs pulled him closer and kissed him.

"I need to..." Tony said.

"No you don't," Gibbs whispered and kissed at Tony's neck. "Just let go...You don't need to hide," Tony lay there, not game to move. He wanted to get out of bed and run but something inside of him was emerging, grounding him. Gibbs had now slid his hands under the sheets and was caressing Tony's chest through his shirt. Then he slipped one hand underneath Tony's shirt. Tony gasped when he felt the contact of skin on skin. He didn't want this but, oh, it was so good. Gibbs threw off the sheets and ripped Tony's shirt over his head. Then he slid his hands down his chest until they reached the elastic of Tony's pants. He slipped his fingers just inside then slowly started to remove them. Tony's hands flew out and grabbed Gibbs' wrists.

"I can't.." Tony groaned.

"Yes you can," Gibbs said. Tony noticed that over night something had changed in Gibbs. He couldn't make out what was flashing across Gibbs' eyes, was it lust? He let Gibbs' wrists go and shut his eyes tight. Expecting Gibbs to move away he was surprised to feel him continue removing his pants. Once again he was naked in front of Gibbs, this time with a raging erection. He squeezed his eyes closed tight as he felt those familiar hands trace his body. Then without even trying to hold back he let out a low moan. He thought he heard Gibbs chuckle, or maybe he was imagining it. He felt Gibbs move back up then kiss him and as the kiss deepened Tony turned towards Gibbs, and was surprised to feel that Gibbs was naked. He wondered when that had happened but was bought back to the current situation when he felt Gibbs' hand travelling lower again until he started to stroke Tony's hard member. It took a few moments but then Tony was breathing deeply and moaning in pleasure. He gripped the sheets as the pleasure became more and more intense.

"Breathe," Gibbs whispered in his ear and let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. Gibbs fastened his pace and in the same moment Tony's breath sped up. He could feel himself getting closer to his release. Several more strokes from Gibbs and he came with Gibbs' name on his lips. He lay there, panting, heart racing. Gibbs kissed his lips and he opened his eyes.

"Fuck..." Tony mumbled, still gasping for breath. Gibbs was grinning at him and that's when Tony knew what he had to do. He got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. He ran a cold shower and washed himself with determination. He was standing under the cold spray when the water turned hot and he felt Gibbs behind him. He tried not to think of Gibbs naked but he couldn't stop himself and then he was turning around, his eyes wandering up and down. It all flooded back as he made his way down Gibbs' body. Friday night, sliding off the couch, running his hands over Gibbs' thighs...Every noise...Every smell...Every taste... And it wasn't long before Gibbs was calling out Tony's name. Tony stood up and held onto Gibbs. He put his head on his chest and closed his eyes, listening to the beating of the older mans heart, feelings the waters spraying against them, letting Gibbs whisper soft words to him.

"Oh God!" Tony and Gibbs snapped their heads up to see Ziva standing at the open bathroom door.


	9. Chapter 9

"Fuck!" Tony said and jumped out of the shower, quickly wrapping a towel around his waist, then racing out of the bathroom to try and catch Ziva. "Wait!" he called just as she was about to step out the door.

"I do not know what to say..." Ziva said, confusion written all over her face. Tony took her arm and led her back inside. At this point Gibbs walked out fully dressed and he too noted the confusion on Ziva's face.

"I can explain," Tony said quickly. Ziva looked back and forth between the two men. This was not what she expected to find today, or any day for that matter. Everyone had gotten worried when neither of them had turned up to work on time. They waited half an hour before calling them, but neither had answered their mobile phones or house phones. Another half an hour passed and McGee went to Gibbs' house but he hadn't found anybody. He called Ziva and told her and she instantly came to Tony's. Nobody had answered when she knocked so she picked the lock. Hearing the sound of running water she snuck down the hallway, noticed the door was open and thought that something terrible had happened to Tony, maybe someone had killed or injured him while he was in the shower. Then she looked, sure Tony was in the shower...With Gibbs...Both of them naked. So now the three of them stood in awkward silence.

"I don't think you need to explain," Ziva sighed, turning and leaving.

"This is exactly why I don't want to be gay!" Tony yelled, tears in his eyes. He was so angry with himself, with Gibbs, with everything and everyone that made him feel this way. "She knows now! She's gonna go back and tell everyone! They are all gonna think we're freaks!"

"Tony calm down," Gibbs said as he followed Tony into the bedroom where he began ripping clothes from the wardrobe and pulling them on.

"I will not calm down!" Tony raged. "You made all of this happen! You made me believe that everybody would accept me been gay! Did you see the look on her face?...God! This is a fucking mess!" he angrily wiped away the tears that were streaming down his face and pushed past Gibbs.

"Tony..." Gibbs said walking out to see Tony getting ready for work.

"No! I don't wanna hear any more!" Tony snapped and opened the door. "Now just leave!" Gibbs sighed and walked out, barely outside the apartment and Tony slammed the door closed.

Inside Tony took a few steps before everything hit him and he fell to the ground and started to cry. He thought his life was messed up before but now he felt like it was the end of the world. He regretted this morning, regretted touching Gibbs, kissing him, just looking at him. He regretted admitting that he was gay, though at least he had only admitted it to himself and Gibbs, but now Ziva had found out. That sent another shockwave through him as he realised Ziva would go and tell everybody what she had witnessed. With great effort he pulled himself from the floor and grabbed his keys. He was going to do what he had to, the only thing he could do. He drove to work full of nerves. His eyes were still red from crying but he didn't care. He was only going to be here for the shortest time possible. He walked into the elevator, already pulling his gun out and removing his badge. He stepped from the elevator and saw that nobody was in the squad room. He put his gun and badge on Gibbs desk then got back in the elevator and headed down to Abby's lab. If he was going to leave he would at least let Abby be the first to know.  
He walked into her lab and saw her standing there with Gibbs. She peered over Gibbs' shoulder and looked straight at Tony.

"Tony..." she said softly and ran to him, pulling him into a hug. He hugged her back, looking at Gibbs' back, sure that he would turn around but he didn't. "Are you ok?"

"Hmm...Yeah, fine," he lied. Abby gave him a quick smile before going back to Gibbs. He heard someone walk into the lab and turned to see Ziva. He couldn't look at her and hung his head. He was staring at his feet when he felt her arms wrap around him.

"It's ok," she said, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He turned into her embrace, grateful that she was giving him a chance, though Tony couldn't help but think that maybe it was a false image and she was really furious with him. It was silent and Tony could feel the tension between the four of them. He pulled away from Ziva and looked up to see Abby hugging Gibbs. He hadn't turned around which got Tony wondering.

"My notice of resignation will be on your desk by this afternoon," Tony said, his voice cracking. Abby and Ziva looked at him, expressions of confusion and hurt on their faces. "I can't do this anymore," he looked at them apologetically then turned and headed for the door. He stopped and took a breath, ready to turn around and tell the girls that he was so sorry. He turned but the words got caught in his throat. Abby and Ziva were either side of Gibbs, who had turned around, but Tony had never expected it to be this hard to say. Was it just because Gibbs was looking at him? He swallowed and tried to speak but he just couldn't.

"You are not quitting," Gibbs said definitely. Tony didn't want to show his emotions, he did it in front of Gibbs but that was in the privacy of his home, not at work where everything was out in the open. He turned and fled to the elevator, finding solace in the isolation of the small metal box. He left the building and drove home. He was in no mood or state of mind to work. At least he could get himself together, tell Gibbs he was quitting, tell Gibbs that they weren't going to see each other ever again and then who knows what would happen, maybe he'd leave town? Maybe move to the west coast? Hell, maybe he would just go and live in a different country all together. Get as far away as possible, maybe Australia, he'd heard it was nice there. He walked into his apartment and the first thing he saw was Gibbs' coat on the back of the couch, where it had been when Gibbs had come back yesterday. He stood there staring at it for a moment then walked back to the bedroom and fell onto the bed. He couldn't stand the pain, it was so strong that he wished someone would walk into his apartment and just kill him. He had no idea how long had passed but he had fallen asleep and woke to the sound of someone coming in the door. He kept his eyes closed, so his wish had come true, someone had walked into his apartment. The footsteps stopped at the edge of the bed and he braced himself, but there was no movement. Maybe he had been dreaming it. Slowly he opened his eyes and rolled over. Oh yeah, he knew he was going to die.


	10. Chapter 10

His death would be a slow painful death, full of emotion. The look on Gibbs' face told Tony that this was hurting him just as much. He realised that he had been so selfish to think that he was the only one who was getting hurt when clearly it was hurting everyone around him, especially Gibbs. He swore he had lost his mind as he reached out for Gibbs. One minute he was so angry with this man and now he was longing for him to be near. As Gibbs sat on the bed Tony moved closer and pressed himself into the older man's side. He felt Gibbs wrap strong, protective arms around him and they stayed like that for some time.

"Don't leave," Gibbs whispered. Tony didn't move, didn't say anything. He didn't know what he wanted to do. It was one of the spur of the moment decisions when anger takes over and so he'd said he was quitting. His mind was clouded with everything that had happened today and it wasn't even lunch time. How was he supposed to decide if he wanted to leave or stay when his thinking changed every time Gibbs was near. Then he started to think how nice this would be to come home after a long day at work and just cuddle up to someone who loved him. To come home to a smiling face and a tender kiss on the lips before he took a shower and came out to dinner been served. Then afterwards they would settle on the couch and share ice cream while watching a movie, and after the movie they would go to bed, holding each other as they made passionate love. He imagined how good it would be took wake up to the smell of saw dust and coffee every single day, how they would shower together, eat breakfast together, spending every single minute together, making up for what he had lost, what he needed so badly right now. Then he realised what his thinking had turned from anyone, to someone. He pulled away from Gibbs and stared into his eyes for a moment before leaning in and kissing him. He wrapped his arms around Gibbs' neck, deepening the kiss. Gibbs grabbed his waist and pulled him onto his lap. Tony pushed himself closer to Gibbs' chest and finally Gibbs fell back, Tony lying on top of him.

"I love you," Tony whispered. It was one of those moments when he thought the words and unconsciously said them. Instantly he realised what he had said. He shut his eyes tight and mentally kicked himself. Gibbs didn't reply with words, instead he pulled Tony a bit closer, held him a bit tighter and prayed that this wasn't just Tony when his mind was clouded by other thoughts. The silence between them seemed louder than anything they had said. Tony slowly pulled away from Gibbs' touch and sat beside him. Putting his head in his hands he sighed. He knew, like in any situation, things got worse before they got better. Then he felt Gibbs' hand rub his thigh reassuringly and felt something inside of him swell up. He got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom. He braced himself on the sink and splashed his face with cold water before looking at himself in the mirror.

_What are you doing Tony? You need to make up your mind... _He thought. Gibbs appeared behind him, his arms wrapping around his waist.

"Tell me," Gibbs started. "How do you feel?"

"About what?" Tony asked, looking at Gibbs through the mirror.

"Everything...What happened today, yesterday, Friday...About how you feel about Ziva's reaction, Abby's reaction...About me," Gibbs replied.

"My feelings about today, yesterday and Friday...I think it's pretty self explanatory, I'm here, with you, your arms wrapped around me...Ziva and Abby...I'm grateful that they are so...Accepting...And you...Well..." Tony stopped and turned around. He let a small smile appear on his face. "I think I'm ready to admit that...that...I'm gay, that I love you,"

"Tony you..." Gibbs didn't know what to say exactly. He was just happy to see Tony finally admit something so difficult to face up to.

"...But...I don't think I'm ready to admit it to everyone...Just you," Tony said.

"Ok...I understand," Gibbs smiled.


	11. Chapter 11

Tony stayed at home for the rest of the week. He knew that he should have gone to work, he should have faced his fears, but he just couldn't. He had convinced himself that if he went back to work in a new week then everything would be fine. Gibbs had come around to his apartment every night after work. They would sit and talk over dinner then they would find themselves on the couch watching TV or a film. Tony thought about his dream of having someone to come home to but it seemed it was turning around and it was him that someone was coming home to.

He calmed himself as he stepped from the elevator and walked to his desk. It was his first day back at work after everything that had happened since that Friday night. He looked around but no one else was in the squad room. He wasn't sure how he would react when the others arrived. At the moment he was keeping cool, acting like it was any other day but he knew that it wasn't just another day. He knew that as soon as Gibbs walked in things would change and he didn't know how he would face Ziva and McGee, even though Ziva had accepted it. It wasn't long before Ziva and McGee arrived.

"Good morning," Ziva smiled.

"Morning," Tony replied and when he looked up at her she gave him a warm smile, he felt a little better.

"Morn..." McGee started then was cut off as his phone began to ring. He looked at the caller ID then walked off to answer the call. Ziva took this opportunity to go to Tony's side.

"You know that we all still love you," Ziva said, resting on the edge of Tony's desk. He looked up at her, his expression unsure if he should believe her. "Trust me," she sat back down at her desk as McGee returned.

"Right...Good mor..." McGee was once again cut off when his desk phone rang. "Hello?...Yes...Ok, we're coming down now," McGee hung up. "We have to go down to Abby's lab,"

"Why?" Tony asked.

"We just do," Ziva said coolly. Tony found it a little odd that they had to go to Abby's lab for no reason at all but went along with it anyway. When they walked in the first person he saw was Gibbs. His heart started to race as he started to think of reasons why he, Gibbs, Abby, Ziva, McGee, Ducky and Jimmy were in Abby's lab. His eyes caught Gibbs' cool blue eyes and he took a steady breath. There was something about that gaze that got him every time.

"All I have to say is that I'm happy for you both," Abby said.

"What?" Tony asked, puzzled.

"You and Gibbs," Abby said, looking back and forth between Tony and Gibbs.

"Abbs...There is no me and Gibbs," Tony said.

"But I thought..." Abby looked disappointed.

"Sorry..." Tony whispered and gave her a hug. He briefly looked around the room before turning and leaving. He closed his eyes in the elevator and wished that he had played that differently. He walked to his desk and put his head in his hands. He wanted to go home but couldn't really afford any more days off work.

_Maybe I should just take the rest of today off... _He thought. He'd only just arrived but he didn't really care. He gathered his stuff and headed home, leaving a note on Gibbs' desk with a short explanation.

"Gone home because I'm not feeling well...I'm really sorry but I can't do it..." Tony sat up from the couch to see Gibbs behind him, the note he'd left, in his hand. "The longer you leave it the harder it's going to be,"

"I know," Tony said as Gibbs sat on the couch near him.

"I have an idea..." Gibbs smiled. "Tomorrow we walk into work together,"

"But..." Tony began to argue but Gibbs silenced him with a small kiss.

"It's all about trust...If you can trust me on this one, then everything will be ok," Gibbs said.

So the next day Tony and Gibbs stepped from the elevator together. Ziva and McGee said their good mornings as normal. Tony sat at his desk and gave a wary glance in Gibbs' direction. Gibbs looked up to see a worried look on Tony's face and gave him a reassuring smile. Tony seemed to relax a little after that but stayed quiet. By lunch time Tony saw that nobody was effected deeply by what had happened throughout the previous few days. He decided to try and act like it wasn't effecting him, but he did it cautiously. Later in the day he decided to be a bit bolder. Gibbs smiled to himself as he noticed Tony going back to his usual ways, trying to pick mock fights with Ziva and McGee. Finally by the end of the day Tony was back to his old self of picking on his co-workers playfully and generally acting immaturely. He was pleased to see Tony comfortable, not having to hide something that had almost crippled him. So it seemed that things were going to get better from here. They'd had their bad moments, things had gotten worse but now they were getting better. They finished up for the day and stepped into the elevator to be greeted by Abby, Jimmy and Ducky. Gibbs and Tony stood at the back and as they made their way down Tony slipped his hand into Gibbs'. From the corner of her eye Abby saw the silent gesture of affection and smiled.

* * *

Sorry I hadn't updated earlier, been away, been busy, but that's how life is...Anyway... Final chapter. Hope you enjoyed the story.. :)


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